“A child with a healthy dose of self-esteem has the best defense against life’s challenges.”-Ariadne Brill
As Dads, we are very good at taking pride in our work. We can sit back and admire what we have accomplished. We take pride in our careers. We are proud of the ways we upgrade our house. We are proud of our lawns and our grills. We are proud of our kids when they do the right thing or compete in sports.
But what areas are we the most proud of? If someone were to ask you your top three proudest moments what would they be?
When we look at our kids, what exactly are we proudest of? Are we proud they are the best football player on their team? Or in the league? Or is it the character they are developing? Are we proud of their accomplishments because it makes us look like a great dad? Is it about us or about them? Are you responsible for your achievements or are your parents? How do we build pride in kids?
We push ourselves and our families for achievements and dominance, when often we take pride in the hard work and the sweat equity. I am constantly trying to focus on effort over results. If one of our kids succeeds because of their natural talent and aptitude, but another has to work incredibly hard, who am I proudest of?
We are proud that we finished remodeling the bathroom, not that the bathroom got finished. We are proud that our kid spends hours in the driveway shooting hoops, but then during a game sets up a teammate with a sweet dime. So why do we constantly push the need for results on ourselves and our kids?
If we want to see effort and a willingness to fail in our children, then we need to focus on rewarding effort, not results. We need to recognize when our children overcome obstacles and continue to pick themselves up.
I found a great article in Psychology Today that really delves into the potential downfalls with how we exhibit pride in our children. One section I found especially appropriate - “Another problem with pride is that it can come off as pressure. As parents, we can be demanding and critical or praising and prideful, but both sides of the coin can have the same effect; they can make our child feel pressured and disconnected from their own undertakings and accomplishments. Children may feel they have to achieve in order to win their parent’s love. They may feel the added pressure of the parent’s own expectations and how they reflect on their parent.”
We need to look at our children as individuals. Individuals that are naturally talented in some areas and really struggle in others. Individuals that have their own interests and hobbies.
As Dads, we need to recognize the people that our children are. We need to appreciate them, not their achievements. When they have great achievements we need to realize that they are just that. Their achievements. Not ours.
My son being a great basketball player has little to do with me. It is his hard work and determination. The same way that I do not want to attribute all of my achievements to my parents.
We can always be better. I certainly haven’t mastered this (and probably never will), but it is something I have been increasingly more conscious of as my kids have gotten older.
Food for thought. Please let me know what you think and what has worked for you.
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